Posted in Random nothings

When it’s okay not be okay

Tonight, putting my two girls to bed – exhausted and really needing them to sleep,really left me feeling overwhelmed. I realized today how lucky I am to have these two crazy, strong willed girls. I spent the morning with a friend who lost her 5 year old boy two years ago. She would give anything to put her little one to bed, but she can’t. After two years the pain in her eyes is just as deep as if it happened yesterday. And I’m pretty sure it will always be that deep. After 6 miscarriages I can relate somehow but also – not. I can’t imagine not having my children in my life. Even on days like today where Abby was having a hard time. This morning a ‘calming shower’ was me in the shower trying to get done as quickly as possible while she was standing outside the door hitting her head against the door as hard as she can, screaming ‘come out to me, come out to me’. And yes that is most of my days. Showering in peace is something you can only dream of. Most nights aren’t different either – she will call for me and wants to sleep on top of me. Last week she told me she wants to go back into my tummy that I can never put her down again. It just broke my heart. Her need for me is constant, and trying to run 2 businesses and a NPO with her literally attached to is sometimes just too much. This morning I lost it with them and screamed at them that I’m going to put them in a creche – no I won’t, but at that moment it felt like my only option. Because of her constant need to be on me she is not willing to share me with her sister. This in turn make Sky act out and over-react to everything. We have this constant tug of war and it’s just damn tiring. I’m tired. I’m done. And tonight I don’t feel that everything is okay – and that’s okay. Tomorrow we will get up – hahaha, okay I know that means that I’m actually hoping to sleep in my own bed tonight ; a girl can dream – and we will try again.

And through all the drama and worries, I’m mostly thankful. I’m thankful for my children that brings so much joy in my life. I’m thankful for my husband that has my back every step of the way. I am thankful for friends, like my friend who lost her little one, that understand that some children have special needs, and that my house is a mess – and pretend to not see the mess, because they know, they’ve been there.

I’m going to go to bed tonight – not sure which one, it all depends on Abby – with a thankful heart. I am blessed. I get to be their mommy another day tomorrow. And yes I’m most probably going to scream at them within 5 minutes of them being awake, but now they are sleeping peacefully and I can pretend they are little angels…

 

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Author:

Owner of Geek World South Africa. Owner of Tipanga Photography.

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